


When life gives you another opportunity to love

by Apailana, JesseLBlack



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV) RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar!Even, Borderline Personality Disorder, Destiny, Gay Sex, Homosexuality, Hospital, Love Confessions, M/M, Parallel Universes, Suicide Attempt, boderline, boderline!isak, mental diseases, pansexuality, two mentally ill boys who fall in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-23 05:10:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20237269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apailana/pseuds/Apailana, https://archiveofourown.org/users/JesseLBlack/pseuds/JesseLBlack
Summary: They meet in a hospital after Isak tries to commit suicide in a depressive episode due to his borderline personality disorder. Even is his roommate and both build a bond of love that manages to regulate their emotions.Or Isak (a borderline with difficulties in human relationships and serious problems with abandonment) becomes dependent on a bipolar with suicidal tendencies.





	When life gives you another opportunity to love

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to investigate a little bit about BPD and bipolarity before writing the fic, but I think I did not show enough of the BPD in this fic, I'm sorry, I would like to be a little bit more meticulous about it but I could not and I had to change the fic several times because Isak changed his diagnostic, but I wanted him to be a BPD, so I'm sorry if it is not understandable.  
Thanks :)
> 
> I am very grateful for Apailana and Elizabeth who helped me in the translation. This costs a lot to translate, I would be very happy if they left nice comments to them both for their enormous effort.

Isak Valtersen has just entered into emergency. Everything had passed very quickly around him while his eyes slowly began to close. He knows that what he did was wrong, that his mother will cry and that his father will blame himself, but for him it is part of his liberation, of keeping his mind completely blank for a while and of stopping feeling that agony that tears his heart every day.

The pain is concentrated in his arms, torn by a razor blade that he took from his father, before he abandoned his mother a year ago. Isak thought about it several times before locking himself in the bathroom and rest the cutting edge on his wrists to draw a straight line on his thin arms, his emotions were overflowing inside him and he could not control the discomfort of his soul.

He thought about it several times, in different ways and in different environments, but found in this the best option to end his life.

Isak had friends, good and loyal, friends who loved him and wanted the best for him, but lately things had changed when Isak's mind collapsed and they separated from him to avoid being damaged. Isak missed those sleepless nights where Jonas told him about his problems with Eva, or Magnus told them how he wanted to conquer Vilde and Mahdi laughed at the misguided love of his friends.

Apart from all that, Isak was distressed by his sexual discovery, by gradually realizing that he was gay and that he would never be accepted by his family in the way he wanted, he was afraid of the abandonment he was already suffering since his father left him, he was unable to control his terror of being left alone.

With his older sister away, his mother going through a mental illness with religious hallucinations and his father somewhere in the world without caring about anything but himself, Isak saw no way out, he did not see the light at the end of the abyss, he was immersed in the darkness and despair, covering himself with a blanket of pain and anguish. He did not bathe, he hardly ate and did not go to school for three days, but nobody seemed to ask about him or at least he did not perceive it.

He was then hospitalized with the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD). He should stay there for a few days to heal the wounds on his arms and to remain under 24-hour control, because Isak was a danger to others as well as to himself.

Once he left the operating room, where he had received an intervention due to his blood loss, he woke up tired. The doctors believed that it was best to take him to a common room where he would share a room with another inpatient.

The least thing Isak wanted at that moment was to have to socialize with someone, but he relaxed knowing that it was only a person who would be with him, he was still not prepared for sharing his life with more than one person and he let the nurse know as soon as she came from the room where she was.

He wore a hospital pajama, his arms bandaged and his hair a little longer than before due to the oil from not washing it. He had lost two or three kilos, they stipulated, and his eyes did not shine at all despite being an intense green.

The room number 502 was one of the furthest from the mentally ill area, Isak had to begin to get used to it, because although he denied his mother as a mentally ill, he also was. He entered the room accompanied by two nurses and looked up to see a boy in the next bed, he was in street clothes but no shoes, unlike Isak, he had at least two shirts and a jean jacket, dark pants and his hair combed back, he seemed to be reading a book until he heard the sound of the door open and his eyes went directly to Isak.

"Well then, we'll come every morning to give you your medicine," the nurse said, making Isak sit on the bed, he remained completely rigid. "Rest, Isak" the woman remarked, putting the medical diagnosis sheet on the bottom of the bed and leaving the room.

Isak breathed, stared at his roommate who observed him back and then lied on the bed, covering himself with blankets. He did not feel like talking, but he knew that his partner wanted to do it.

"My name is Even," the boy said in a low voice. "Nice to meet you, Isak."

But Isak did not speak.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Two days passed in which Isak only slept or sighed exhausted of coexisting in the world. He could hear Even's movements on the other side of the room and how occasionally he spoke aloud to fill the spaces of silence. With the passage of time Isak became accustomed to the presence of Even, to have him close and to feel that he was there for when he needed to speak. He had heard that Even had a manic-depressive disorder, that sometimes he was upset and unwilling to live, but other times he simply became hyperactive, started to do crazy things and even to express exaggerated and risky ideas. In those two days, neither of the two things happened, it was not common for it to happen all the time, besides, he was still on medication.

That Friday afternoon, Isak felt a little better and sat on the bed, then turned to see how Even ate an apple that had been brought to him, this time not wearing clothes, but the hospital pajamas. Isak tried to eat without looking at him, but his eyes escaped and sometimes both exchanged glances and smiled at each other. There was something about Even that caught his attention and not just the fact that he was physically attractive, but also pleasant in conversation.

“Why are you here?” Isak asked, Even was surprised at the so soft and childish tone of voice, so he realized that Isak was much younger.

“In a manic episode I tried to throw myself on the train tracks.” He laughed, Isak did not find it funny. “They told me that I could endanger me and others, so they decided to inpatient me.”

“They also told me that too, how long have you been here?”

“Hmmm, It's going to be two months, I think.”

“Someone comes to see you?” he questioned, Even smiled and shrugged.

“My father died a year ago, my mother is deeply depressed, so nobody comes to see me for now" he said. “But Mom knows I'm here, so that's fine with me. What about you?”

“I have BPD.”

"Not your illness, I'm talking about your family" Even questioned this time, Isak sighed.

“My dad, I don’t know where he is, my sister is in another country and my mom is crazy."

“Crazy? What type?”

"She thinks the apocalypse has started or that Donald Trump is my uncle" he whispered. Isak looked at Even who stared him. “Donald Trump isn't my uncle.”

“Ufff, thank goodness” he smiled, Isak loved that Even smiled and that was something that he was going to discover with the passage of time. “Well, I'm also crazy, so...”

"Well, no..." he sighed. “It's not that it really bothers me, it's just that she’s not there to be a full-time mother, do you understand?”

"And that's why your best option was to cut yourself?" He asked, Isak frowned but Even immediately smiled, got up from his bed and sat on Isak's. “I don't judge what you did, you should have felt very hurt to do it.”

"I couldn't control my emotions at that moment and I was desperate. Have you tried it?" Isak asked, but Even came forward to answer by showing her wrists all hurt and healed. “How many...?”

"Several, a long time ago, several" he smiled and pointed to one, the oldest. “This was from when I was diagnosed with bipolarity, I was about fifteen.”

"You were very young, how old are you now?"

"Nineteen" Even muttered. “Before entering here I worked at KB, a cafeteria near the Nissen, do you know it?”

"Yes, I go to the Nissen, so I know it."

"Wow... we were so close" Even commented, his eyes sinking into Isak's so intensely that he felt dizzy.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Making bracelets was the only thing that Isak liked, that relaxed him, like a kind of therapy, just as Even liked to read and draw while he lied in bed. He had not received visitors and his cell phone was confiscated when he entered the emergency, so he didn't have much to do at that time, the nurses handed him his dose that morning of fluoxetine and olanzapine, then Isak asked them for some thick colored yarns. Even turned his head constantly to observe what Isak was doing, a bracelet with several ribbons made of tangled colored yarns. Even smiled, put his sketchbook aside and separated the small table from his bed to stand and walk around the room, then he sat in front of Isak who was sitting indian type in the bed, entangling the colored threads to form what seemed to be a wide bracelet.

“What are you doing?” The older stupidly asked with a smile.

“A bracelet (*), is it not obvious?” He showed it and smiled, lately he was doing it more often.

"I like its colors, they are very bright" Even whispered. “And they are arranged in a harmonic way.”

“It’s the pride flag” he said without much enthusiasm, Even raised an eyebrow. “Gay pride”.

“Are you gay?” Even asked, Isak kept looking at the bracelet, he didn’t seem to want to answer or maybe he didn’t hear it. “Are you gay?”

“Yes, I’m gay” he muttered, Even sighed relaxed, it seemed like he felt pressured when he questioned and now he freed himself by finding the answer. “Any issue with that?” Isak’s eyes looked at him doubtfully.

“No way. Is there any problem?” Isak set aside the bracelet and looked up. “Something happens?”

“My mother… she wouldn’t understand” he muttered, biting his lower lip. “My father… I don’t know, I haven’t seen him for a year”.

“Do you think he wouldn’t accept your homosexuality?” he licked his lips, Isak had noticed for a few days that Even always had his lips hurt due to his relatively large canine teeth, but somehow he liked that aspect of Even’s mouth.

"I don't know, I haven't told anyone."

"Have you kept this for years and haven't you said it?" Even looked surprised.

"Did you tell people you're bipolar?" He asked, Even raised his shoulders.

“That shows a lot, I take pills, I do crazy things ... people end up knowing.”

"But do you usually say it? Are you proud of it? Do you feel alive from having a mental illness?”

"You have one too."

"Bipolarity can't be cured." Even looked at him, said nothing and got up to go back to his bed. “Sorry....”.

"Don't be sorry, Isak" he whispered before going to bed. “Don’t be sorry”.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Isak met Sonja a few days later, precisely on a Friday morning when he went for a walk while listening to music on his mp3 player. The doctors told him that it was better to leave the room a little and see the huge garden that was in the hospital, it would make him much better, his wrists didn't hurt so much though he had to change the bandage every twelve hours.

When he returned to the room she was there, a very pretty and tall girl, blonde and with short hair, Even seemed not to want to listen to her and when he felt the door open and Isak entered the room, Even smiled knowing that Sonja's monologue would end, but she was not willing to give up.

"Do I interrupt something?" Asked Isak.

"No, nothing, Sonja was leaving," Even replied, she didn’t seem to want to leave, but Even watched her intensely.

"Think about what I told you, Even," she said before approaching him and kissing him on the mouth, Even turned his head and looked at the window to his left and Sonja only greeted Isak with a nod and departed.

“Who was that lass?” Asked Isak.

"My girlfriend Sonja." He sighed and threw his head back. “Lately she has been very intense with certain aspects of my life to improve, I don’t want this anymore, it stuns me.”

“You don’t want a relationship?”

"I want a relationship, but I don’t want to be with her" he muttered and stretched himself better. “But I can’t break with Sonja, because if I do, she'll think it's because of her aluminum foot.”

“Eh? Aluminum foot?” Isak asked without understanding while he moved into the room and sat on his bed.

“Didn’t you notice? Sometimes she limps because she still doesn’t adjust so well, you know, but she's getting better, she sees physiotherapists and is progressing in her motor skills" he whispered and glanced sideways at Isak.

“Oh, poor girl, I didn’t know... what happened to her?”

"She stepped on a land mine in Tjøme when she was 9 years old" Even played with his fingers and looked back at Isak. “But now she’s fine, you know, aluminum technology has improved in these times.”

“Tech...?” Isak looked at him and smiled. “Are you fucking me? Are you really making a joke?” He asked, Even began to laugh. “Shit, Even! One doesn’t joke with these things.”

“You should have seen your face when I told you, hahaha, you were very funny.”

“But what the fuck? You really went too far, Even." He gasped and lay down on the bed.

"It would have been worse if I told you she had a penis" he commented gallantly, Isak looked at him surprised and then laughed.

“A penis.”

“That would have gone too far.”

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"I didn’t know you had a girlfriend" Isak muttered while he walked with Even through the corridors, the difference in height was ten or fifteen centimeters, it was noticeable when they were side by side, as was the difference in age of two years.

“Well, you don’t usually talk a lot about you, I thought that this relationship was given by steps” commented Even smiling.

"Since the first thing you told me is that you are bipolar, I don’t think there's anything more intimate than that between us" Isak said and turned his head to the left, where there was window type door that overlooked out to the garden and to the night, only they were reflected in the glass.

"I could say that yes, I have a girlfriend, but it's not something I really like" he whispered. “We have been going out since I was fourteen years old, more or less, or something like that, I certainly don’t remember a lot.”

“You don’t remember a lot?” Isak asked, stopping. “But you remember perfectly the day I arrived at the hospital.”

"I have never seen anyone so bad" he muttered gracefully, Even had told him he was sitting waiting for a relative when Isak entered on the stretcher, he could only see how his fingers still dripped blood from his wrists. “21:21.”

"The time I arrived" he whispered and stood in front of the window.

"The night is quite nice, come, let's go out." Even opened the door, Isak shook his head.

“It seems there will be a storm!” But Even took him by the hand and dragged him with him.

Quite so, a few drops began to fall and Even placed himself in the center of the garden, on top of the asphalted part so as not to mess up his feet. He looked up and spread his arms, he felt how slowly the drops of water fell on his face and wet his hair. Isak stood next to him. Even seemed one being with the rain, with the cold drops that fell on his face and Isak could not avoid looking at it as if it were a work of art. “Do you believe in destiny?” Even asked.

“I believe in parallel universes, why?” Isak licked his lips, Even turned to look at him after feeling his face wet enough.

“Parallel universes?”

“Yes... the infinite is what makes this world interesting, what makes all the parallel universes that exist. For example, we can think that at this moment in another parallel universe, Isak and Even are standing right here... but... I don’t know, there is another color of curtains in the hospital.”

“Like yellow curtains?” Even asked, Isak nodded. “I believe in destiny, I believe that the world gives you opportunities, but that of the parallel universes is interesting.”

“Maybe both theories could merge.”

“How?”

"Like ..." he whispered, approaching close enough to Even to brush his arms. “We had to find each other and we found ourselves in all the existing parallel universes.”

“That would be a bit boring, if there wasn’t something different, right? For example, make decisions. If you hadn’t decided to cut yourself, you wouldn’t be here and we wouldn’t have met.”

"But maybe we would have met in the cafeteria where you worked" he said. Even smiled and looked at him.

“Perhaps.”

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::

When Isak returned from a morning walk through the hospital, he didn’t find Even in his bed, but a paper on his pillow. Isak took off the headphones from his mp3 and came to take the sheet of paper and observe the drawings.

There were two vignettes. In one someone who appeared to be Even was under the rain, with his arms on his side and his eyes sad as he was bathed in water. Above it was written: "**In a part of the multiverse where Isak never hurt himself**." While in the other vignette is drawn Even with arms outstretched, smiling, while Isak kept him company and both were happy: "**In this universe**."

Isak laughed at Even's wit and sat on his bed, he treasured that drawing like all which Even would do to him later.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

“Have you ever had a boyfriend?” Even was sitting on Isak's bed, with his back to the wall as he drew with the notebook on his flexed legs. Isak was against the back of the bed, finishing making the bracelet with the colors of the gay flag.

“Never.”

“Girlfriend?”

"No, for the sake of god" he laughed, Even laughed too. “I tried to kiss girls, but I felt annoyance, besides, I think I'm cheating them.”

“Do your friends know?”

“They don’t.”

“Why not?” Even asked, arching his eyebrow.

"It's complicated" he muttered and gave one last twinge. “Ready!”

“Would you give it to me?” Even asked, Isak raised an eyebrow.

“Do you support the community?” He asked, Even nodded. Isak handed the bracelet to Even, who wore it immediately. “Is it not uncommon? To wear a bracelet like that while having a girlfriend?”

"I'm pansexual" he said licking his mouth, Isak watched him. “No, I'm not attracted to bread.(**)”

“I wasn’t going to say that, but I don’t know what the difference between pansexual and bisexual is.”

“Well, there are people who don’t identify with the gender binary... sometimes the bisexuals aren’t tolerant of those people, sometimes yes, I'm not sure, but I like people without distinction of genres, I fall in love with the human being.

“Have you fallen in love with someone other than Sonja?” Isak asked. Even raised his head to look into Isak's eyes.

“Yes, too much.”

“Too much?”.

"No, no, I fell in love too much, I'm in love with someone right now." Even's sky blue eyes were so intense that Isak felt that they were going through him and cutting him in half.

“And...?”

“But I don’t know if he feels the same." He returned to his drawing and finished some lines. “For you." He handed the paper to Isak and stood up. “I'm going to walk for a while. You come?”

“Ehm, no, I have to finish something here” Even nodded and left the room

Isak sighed and looked at the drawing.

There were two vignettes. In one Isak and Even were in the position they were before Even left the room: "_I fell in love too much, I'm in love with someone right now_" it said in the balloon that came from Even, above it was written "**In this universe**". The other vignette was of Even and Isak but one next to the other looking into each other's eyes, this time from the mouth of Even came a balloon that said "**I fell in love, I'm in love with you right now**" and above written with the calligraphy of Even said "**The universe in which I would have liked to be**".

The heat rose to his cheeks. He licked his mouth and kept the drawing.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

“Can I kiss you?” Even asked, Isak was surprised.

“Why do you want to kiss me?” Isak asked.

“Why shouldn’t I do it? I'm just asking for permission from something I've already decided to do.”

“And if I say no?” Isak asked, Even thought about it.

“That wasn’t within my possibilities” he laughed, as he always laughs when both were bothering each other.

“I don’t kiss guys with girlfriend.”

"That's good because I don’t have a girlfriend anymore." He reached back, Isak raised an eyebrow and looked at him closely.

“You don’t…? Since when?”

“Since a week ago, Sonja came to visit me when you went to do those routine lab tests, we fought.”

“Why did you fight?” Asked Isak again.

"I told her I was falling in love with you" he muttered and licked his dry lips. Isak felt his cheeks burning, he looked down and began to play with his fingers.

“Since when?”

“Since when what?”

“Since when are you in love with me?” He asked, this time it was Isak who licked his lips nervously, as he usually did. Even looked up trying to think.

“21: 21”.

“Since I entered half dead to this hospital?” He asked surprised.

“I didn’t know if you were going to survive, but I was captivated by your beautiful face.”

“My beautiful face and I could have died that day, do you fall in love with people on the verge of death? are you crazy?”

“I think we already treated that point cause yes, I am bipolar” he laughed, looked at Isak's eyes and smiled again. “Can I kiss you?”

Isak could not contain himself and smiled, nodded and received Even's body on top of his to be kissed. When his lips collided, the electric shock hit Isak's body to the point of feeling that happiness was returning to his heart, he felt so full of life that he could not breathe properly. Even separated seconds later.

"Isak, open your mouth" he whispered very close to his lips. “I can’t kiss you well unless you open your mouth.”

“Open my mouth?” He asked, he did not know what he was doing.

“You keep your lips tight and that don’t let me kiss you properly, come on, let's try again.”

"I've never kissed anyone before." Even smiled, he stroked Isak's cheek lightly with his right hand with his left thumb he separated the younger's lips so he could sink his tongue in, which he did.

The kiss with Even was excellent, wet, hot, passionate and full of feelings that Isak never thought he could experience. They kissed all night.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

That morning Isak was face up looking at the ceiling while Even seemed insistent on kissing each and every one of the wounds in his arms. Each scar was a battle won, Even said, and he needed to show Isak all the battles that he had won against his disease. He began to tickle him as he moved closer to his shoulder and then to his neck. He laughed as openly as he had not felt in years, that joy that only Even could achieve in him and that now ripped from the pit of his stomach. He kissed him on the lips and lay completely on top of him, caressing the sides of his body as his tongue entered his mouth playing with his. Isak did not sit still and buried his fingers in the soft blonde hair of Even, who almost always combed back like a bad boy from the 90s. They were usually in their world, constantly, they were both in that room, all the time, each hour, each day, kissing, caressing, feeling with the other and for the other. When they heard the sound of the door, Even threw himself towards his bed like a spring and Isak adjusted his clothes that were somewhat raised. The hair showed that something had happened, but since both were in bed, the doctor who entered thought they had just got up.

“Good day Isak, Even, how are you today?” Both smiled, Dr. Harvey Loggan was an excellent professional, he was always very aware of each of his patients and they two were no exception. Harvey was not a fool either, he had noticed how affectionate the boys were among them, they went out together to take a breath or sent notes and drawings that he had noticed stuck on the wall when they both slept, even the nurses told him they saw them very close to be two inpatients, but Harvey thought that as long as both progressed in their problems, there was nothing wrong with them interacting affectionately.

"Well, doctor" said Isak.

"I'll lower your dose in half, Isak, I've seen great progress in you" the doctor commented and wrote in Isak's notebook that half of the dose given was to be administered. I see you smile more and your eyes are brighter, I am surprised, the stabilizers of the mood are making a great effect for you to control your emotions. You do not lose patience like before, Isak”

“Yes" he whispered and turned his gaze to see how Even winked at him coquettishly.

"Maybe in two weeks you can be discharged" said the doctor, which made the two boys look at him in surprise. “Your father signed the papers so you can go with him once you get discharged from the hospital”.

“My father? But I live with my mother.”

"You know your mother is not well enough to take care of you, Isak" the doctor replied and turned to see Even. “Well Even, your mood stabilizers have done wonderful things in you too, so I'll lower the dose a bit to see how you adapt to it.”

"But I don’t want to go with my father" Isak continued, he was beginning to feel a strong sensation in his chest. “I don’t want to leave from here.”

“Isak, you are a minor, I must give you to your parents, as your mother is not well, then your father is the one who will take you.”

“But he will make me move to another city, I want to continue living in Oslo.”

"I'm sorry, Isak" the doctor whispered before leaving, Isak stared at Even.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Even and Isak did not talk about their forthcoming leaving, they did not because that mean talking about their imminent separation. Even did not know if he would see Isak again after he left the hospital. Who would want to go back to the hospital to see your inpatient partner? Because of that, Even tried to stay away from Isak most of the time, it was a way for his feelings to not be violently destroyed. But Isak did not think the same, just feeling the abandonment of Even made him break up and feel his emotions get out of control, he wanted to spend as much time as possible with Even, kiss him, hug him, be with him, wanted to feel him closer and that was intensifying in the last week when Even had been trying to read a book.

Even was lying on his back, the book was small, a small book of poems that his mother had given him before being admitted. Isak entered through the door and observed Even, it was nine o'clock at night, they have already taken supper and most were sleeping, Isak needed to go out and feel the air on his face before going to sleep. He did not doubt and lay down in bed with Even, standing on top of him and kissing his neck. Even tried to ignore it, but Isak was persistent.

“What happens?” He asked, setting the book aside.

“I miss you, we hardly spend time together.”

“We're in the same damn room.”

"But I feel like you want me outside" he whispered. Even hugged him, stroking his back softly.

"In less than a week you’ll be gone, I can’t just spend time with you knowing that I probably won’t see you again" the elder muttered softly, Isak hugged him harder. “It's difficult to me.”

"You asked me if I believed in destiny, I told you I believed in parallel universes" he whispered, crawling a little more into his lad's body, stroking with his body Even's member, making him moan softly. “And we mix both theories do you remember?”

"If it has to happen, it will happen" he whispered and looked down to see how Isak rested his chin on his chest.

“I want to be with you.”

“You are with me.”

"No, not like that" he muttered very softly and moved a little closer, dragging his body over Even’s, which made the guy moan again.

“Isak, I'm 19 years old, I'm at the peak of my sex life, don’t do that again.”

“I want to have sex with you” he indicated again, this time more cutting. Even looked at him. “What?”

“You are seventeen years old.”

“And?” He asked doubtfully.

“And a personality disorder, and I’m bipolar, something like that would only destroy your conception of yourself and harm your future sexual relationships, do you know that having sex in our state is dangerous?” He explained, moving his jaw to better understand what Isak wanted.

“I love you.”

"You don’t love me, you think you love me because I'm the only one who cared about you, but this won’t work under any point of view. We are sick, both mentally, there can be no logic in this" he explained.

"I don’t give a shit about logic! I want to be with you and I'm not going to come without you..." His words had a double intention, Even smiled.

“It's risky.”

“I know, we're risky.”

“We are two madmen.”

“Two madmen who love each other...” Isak came over and kissed him.

Even was gentle, he never suspected that he would not be but when he leaned on him to kiss him before beginning to caress him, he knew that it would be one of the best experiences he could ever had. Having a body by his side, being able to rub and to feel the heat on his fingers was a wonderful experience that he wanted to keep with him all his life. Isak was young, impetuous and exacerbated, he knew what he wanted but he was afraid of experiences, he was not at all brave, much less reckless, but he decided to do it, he decided to face this challenge only because he loved Even and knew that Even would never hurt him .

The friction between them had a nice taste and Isak could lick the drops of sweat that fell down the face of the biggest of them as the temperature rised between the sheets, they took off their clothes so slowly that they felt they had gone through a cycle since they started and he rubed his hands near his crotch to get even harder.

The kisses were wet, hot and didn’t let him breathe, his gasps only allowed him to flood the room with a hot mist, he felt that he was wet only with the simple rubbing of his body and Even’s, he felt it more than anyone in this world.

When he pulled out his member by lowering his pants to his knees, Isak was surprised to see another penis that was not his.

“Ca... can I touch it?” He murmured trembling, Even noded, because Even was wonderful and always agreed when Isak wanted something.

His fingers brushed it, it was hot and wet, it was big, his hand was not big enough to take Even's member and to reach his fingers. Isak stroked it, he wanted to harden it even more if that was possible. Even moaned loudly and bited his lips to not make it so noticeable, he knew that in the next room there were two old people trying to sleep and in the room on the other side a girl with mental problems.

Even's big hands slide down Isak's hips and he placed it between his body, rubed his erection with Isak's to harden it even more and brought his face closer to the youngest's so that the moans were silenced by his kisses.

They had no lubricant, no condom, nobody in their fucking life would think to have sex like that, but Isak's BPD was functional to Even's bipolarity, the mania met with Isak's suffering and both did not measure the consequences of their feelings and emotions at that time, so they had to improvise. Even knew that his fingers will not be enough so he used Isak's own pre-cum as a false lubricant, it might not work, but he didn’t want to hurt Isak, he wanted him to enjoy his first sexual experience.

When Even entered in him, Isak cried quietly, the pain was much more than he could bear, but he did not say anything to Even, because he knew he will be scared and leave everything like this and Isak was too horny for both to stop . He clung to Even's back and wept silently as he pushed against him, wrapped his legs around his lover's hips and kissed his neck to indicate that it was okay, that he could keep moving forward and Even did it.

Isak did not realize that Even was also crying until he felt his tears in his neck, he was crying but he was satisfied, both were and even though the silence didn’t exist anymore, they knew that this room was seeing them joining each other in an intoxicant gesture of love and of understanding.

Even pull in and out, he entered deep inside and then came out, while his member bounced on his stomach, Isak felt like dying, he felt as this was more pleasant than when he cut his wrists, this time he feels pain and pleasure, love and all the mixed feelings.

When he unloaded inside him, Isak realized that there was no return, that he was in love with Even more than his heart could support.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A few days before Isak left, their feelings overflowed. Isak went into a panic attack and started screaming and throwing things with fury, while Even was in full frenzy, trying to stop all of Isak's attacks.

"This is not working" Even said as he took Isak by the wrists, but Isak cried in frustration and hugged him, he did not want to let him go, but he knew he had to.

“I want to get sick again to be with you, I don’t want you to leave me alone” he said with tears in his eyes, looking for something, a light of hope between so much emptiness. But Even did not have the answer.

“I think it was wrong to fall in love, it was wrong to love each other, we were wrong, I knew this would happen at some point” Isak hit Even's chest with his fist and hit him again, Even tried not to show pain on his face, but Isak was hurting him. “Isak, Isak ....”

"I hate this ..." he muttered, separated and looked into his eyes. “I don’t want to go.”

“I'll also leave at some point.”

“You promise? you will search me? Do you promise, Even?” Asked Isak, looking him in the eyes.

“I promise.”

The promises are not empty, because Even knows that he will come out in a few days, the doctor already told him that with psychotherapy and with the medication that was regulating his mood, he could lead a normal life. But Even worried about Isak, worried about his emotional overflow when he was not in control of his state of mind, worried that Isak's father was not competent enough to care for him. Isak was young, very young, and needed strong emotional support.

“Forgive me for not being able to take care of you, I'm so fucked up."

“You're not ..." Even muttered and took his face. “In that case, we're both fucked up.”

“You need me too."

“But you need me more" Even muttered. “You are so little”.

“Even... I don’t want to go...” he sobbed, the guy placed his forehead against Isak's.

“Listen, when everything seems hopeless, we can take it one day at a time, ok?” He whispered caressing his nose with his own. “And if one day is too much, let it be one hour at a time.”

“And if one hour is a lot? Can it be one minute at a time?” Asked Isak.

“Let it be a minute at a time”.

Isak then kissed him and felt that slowly all the anger that began to emerge in his head dissipated as if it were dust, disappearing in the air and he feels immense relief.

When his father came to look for him a few hours later, Even did not want to look at him, because he knew that if they look at each other they will not even be able to.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::

Isak knew that love gives opportunities, that everything that is good must remain good. He wanted to be good, Isak wanted to be good to Even and to be stable, he wanted to put together his life and be able to receive Even as Even received him, cared for him and supported him. There would be many stones in their shoes, their relationship would not be harmonious like other relationships, they would have to come and go, low and high, but Isak knows that there is no other person in the world with whom he wants to be and share his existence. Even is bipolar. Isak suffers from borderline personality disorder. Both need support, affection, understanding, both need the other to feel that they can be better. When Even get dispatched a few weeks later, Isak was there waiting at the exit, with his eyes fixed on him and his look exhausted but happy. They embrace and kiss each other in the eyes of the nurses, the doctors, Harvey himself smiling. Things would change, things would be very hard from now on, but Isak and Even would go minute by minute. Because when life gives you another opportunity to love, you should only take it, hold it tightly and never complain about it.

**(*) LGBT bracelets**

** **

**(**) In spanish bread is pan! hahahaha! the joke is funnier in Spanish**

**Author's Note:**

> I always wanted to do a fic where Isak had BPD, in most of the fics I see him with serious problems to regulate his emotions and I thought what would happen if two people with mental illnesses meet and fall in love? I tried to look for information about BPD and bipolarity, beyond the knowledge I have as a psychic health professional, but I do not know if it was really good, I hope you like it. Thank you in advance for the comments and the kudos.
> 
> twitter: @jesicablack87  
tumblr: https://jesyblack.tumblr.com/


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